Dating Tales

Planned Parenthood has this very creative Web site dedicated to sex, STDs, and getting tested. It’s called TakeCareDownThere.org and really the name says it all. Take care down there or who knows what crazy disease or infection might creep in. Anyway, there are nine different videos featuring a cast of goofy characters dealing with issues in sex. I think Planned Parenthood did a good job both creatively and in fulfilling their mission so I suggest you check it out. My favorite video of all the videos is the “Down There Song.” I mean who wouldn’t like a song that included the words hum-diddler, sloppy slappilow, and gherkin.

Ever wonder about your street cred when it comes to kissing? Me too. This topic has been on my mind lately, which you probably know after reading my post “Dear Ex-Boyfriend, You Were a Bad Kisser.” Well here you go again, if any of the following things have happened to you, then its time to improve your skills. Pucker up people. Kiss well and kiss often. 

1) You’re done kissing and she wipes her cheek with the back of her hand.

2) She hands you a piece gum immediately afterward.

3) You say things like “Wanna go park?” or “Wanna neck?”

4) She doesn’t kiss you during foreplay.

5) She pulls away abruptly and gives you a funny look.

6) She says: “Where’d you learn that?” or “We can hold hands instead.”

7) She stops you and says, “Try this instead.”

Dear Bad Kisser:

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings by shrieking in disgust after our first kiss. Many times I liked you and didn’t want to ruin “a good thing” by being so picky about something as small as a kiss. But the reality is that a kiss is no small thing and doing it right is critical in any relationship. So since I didn’t say anything then, I’m saying something now. You are a horrible kisser! Fix this for the next girl, you’ll thank me for it later.

If you do anything on the below list, then you know I’m talking to you.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Girlfriend

Teeth Licker: You like the feel of teeth on your tongue and that’s weird. There is zero feeling on my enamel and it does nothing more than make me forget the goodness of kissing.

Tongue Thruster: I don’t have a sensitive gag reflex. I have a normal gag reflex and was just reacting to you thrusting your tongue so far back in my throat.

Face Licker: I think you were trying to be sensual (or maybe just lazy), by kissing and licking my face. This was just messy and distracting.

The Boring One: You avoided tongue altogether and prefered quick, stiff kisses. Although sweet pecks here and there are nice, enough is enough!

The Unprepared One: Use toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, and chap stick on a daily basis. This is not optional.

Ear Sticker: Your wet, juicy tongue in the ear was so loud! And it gave me the willies. A little bit of tongue goes a long way.

Over-Ambitious One: After one kiss you tried to unbutton and unzip. If you had only taken your time…

The Constant Kisser: Every half a second you were pecking here and there, here and there. Pick a spot and give it some quality attention.

The Tongue Twirler: Your acrobatic tongue was fun, but hard to keep up with. It’s like a dance, be a good leader not a wild wiggling machine.

The Face Smasher: It is a misconception that the harder you kiss and press up against someone, the better the kiss. You squished my nose and impaired my breathing. You also gave me a sore cheek bone from too much cheek on cheek action.

A study was done over 30 years ago by the University of British Columbia in Vancouver that basically analyzed the sexual arousal of people on a scary bridge. Sounds odd and fairly simple, I know, but the results are interesting.

Basically it was discovered that in moments of high anxiety we are more likely to find someone attractive, fall in love with someone, or have an orgasm. Considering the age of this study I know that much has been written about the findings, but after I read it I had a great discovery myself: Romantic comedies could actually be accurate!

For much of my adult life I’ve scoffed at films like Serendipity, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Bridget Jones’ Diary, and others, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is easier, even likely, to fall in love with someone when you’re about to get married, your job is at stake, or when someone you’re dating is thrown through a restaurant window.

Maybe all these years I’ve been narrow minded in believing that love is only found in safe, healthy ways when really its more common in unsafe and unhealthy ways. Like when you are hanging on to a bouncing bridge.

So to all you nay sayers like me, have a second look at the movies you once avoided. And to those of you looking for love, try extreme sports. Maybe you’ll find your soul mate, or better yet, maybe you’ll have an orgasm.