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It was another boring Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television (in the hopes that I would be entertained) when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

A girl’s voice came over the line.

“Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening, even for Indiana.

“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”

Silence on the other end…a confused silence. I had a live one.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well…he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.” (I’ve seen Fletch several times).

“I know that! I mean….who is she?” (She must have seen Fletch, too….Or is that Fletch Too? Whatever..)

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes…please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.

“I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded this time. “WHO’S JENNIFER?!”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well…he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry…it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him and that she’s VERY UPSET and that I would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON AS HE GETS HOME.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will…but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

“BECKY?!?!?”

“*click*”

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DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, ‘You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth .

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Here’s part of it:

“Dating is the act of going out on dates whereby one person socializes with a potential lover using a process that involves scheduled, usually exclusive, meetings of two people with mutual interest in one another. Typically a person may date different partners (this does not include or indicate the sexual relationship) during the same time period in order to have the best chance of finding their most suitable and available partner for an intimate relationship. A date involves going out to do something together (like having dinner, visiting the theater, or having a picnic at a park or beach), while dating involves the continued communication and courting between dates, such as meeting on-line (also known as virtual dating), chatting on-line, sending text messages or picture messages, and conversing over the phone. In this sense, during the dating process, people often explore each other through “dates” to discover whether or not they would be compatible together in a serious relationship – which for many people involves the sexual component but depends on individual beliefs. Usually, if the two individuals discover that they have poor or low compatibility, it signals the end of the dating process: however, due to the multiple person dating strategy a person ideally has other options to explore.”

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Peeing your pants can be a little funny, but it can also be humiliating. Just ask Fergie.

Last summer in San Diego the singer had a little accident while on stage with her buddies The Black Eyed Peas. (Peas, Pee. Get it? A little ironic I think.) At first her reps claimed it was sweat, but later Fergie came clean about the uncleanliness. Its simple: she just couldn’t hold it.

Nothing more to report on that. Over.

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