Dating Tales

You’ve probably seen this, but I think its funny and must share. 

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, ‘You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth .

I don’t know if I’d ever feel complete without chain e-mails.

Un-friggin believable. Dating has a proper definition on Wikipedia, and not a short one either. I’m particularly impressed by the reference to “virtual dating” and “text messaging.”

Here’s part of it:

“Dating is the act of going out on dates whereby one person socializes with a potential lover using a process that involves scheduled, usually exclusive, meetings of two people with mutual interest in one another. Typically a person may date different partners (this does not include or indicate the sexual relationship) during the same time period in order to have the best chance of finding their most suitable and available partner for an intimate relationship. A date involves going out to do something together (like having dinner, visiting the theater, or having a picnic at a park or beach), while dating involves the continued communication and courting between dates, such as meeting on-line (also known as virtual dating), chatting on-line, sending text messages or picture messages, and conversing over the phone. In this sense, during the dating process, people often explore each other through “dates” to discover whether or not they would be compatible together in a serious relationship - which for many people involves the sexual component but depends on individual beliefs. Usually, if the two individuals discover that they have poor or low compatibility, it signals the end of the dating process: however, due to the multiple person dating strategy a person ideally has other options to explore.”

One of my best friends has a wonderful, robust laugh and a weak bladder to go along with it. One of her favorite lines is “That’s so funny I almost peed myself.”

Peeing your pants can be a little funny, but it can also be humiliating. Just ask Fergie.

Last summer in San Diego the singer had a little accident while on stage with her buddies The Black Eyed Peas. (Peas, Pee. Get it? A little ironic I think.) At first her reps claimed it was sweat, but later Fergie came clean about the uncleanliness. Its simple: she just couldn’t hold it.

Nothing more to report on that. Over.