Dating Tales

I’ve had two dates at the Empire State Building. Sure, you’re imaging a romantic re-do of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan’s encounter, but that wasn’t my experience. Both were deadly.

The first date didn’t actually involve going in the building, but meeting right outside near the Heartland Brewery. Picture me standing there; hopeful, nervous, and excited to meet the guy I’d only seen online, when I hear the sound of coins on the ground. I looked down to find two quarters and a nickel near my foot on the sidewalk. Looking up at the looming tower I realized I was inches from death and convinced that if one of those quarters had penetrated my skull I would have collapsed right here before my date.

When my date arrived I told him the story and he went on and on about terminal velocity and how I wouldn’t have died, blah, blah, blah. I like my story better. It’s much more exiting.

On a seperate date with another guy I met on Match, I arrived at the Empire State Building with him. Waiting in line to go up to the top, I told him about my previous near-death experience below the Empire State Building which, by the way, he also refuted when a security guard asked me to step aside. My date followed and listened as the security guard asked me to put a plastic bag in my purse.

I had no idea what to say or what to think. My date didn’t either and so he only asked the guard’s name and made sure he’d stay with us the whole time. I reluctantly put the plastic bag and its unknown contents in my purse and walked back to the security line worrying that I’d just made one of the stupidest choices of my life.

Just like you would at the airport, I placed my bag in the bin and watched it move along the conveyor belt. I walked through the metal detector keeping an eye on the security guard screening the bags. When he saw my bag, he only laughed and said, “Nice try.” He pulled the plastic grocery bag from my purse, took out a rubber grenade and handed it back to his boss who was waiting patiently beside us.

So ok, they weren’t actually deadly experiences, but could’ve been if I were writing a screenplay.

Recently I received a forwarded e-mail on funny things kids say about dating. This is one of the questions asked.

Q: A first date turns sour. What do you do?
A: I would go home and play dead. The next day I’d want to be in the dead columns so I’d call the newspapers.

Funny thing is that I think there are some adults who might say the same thing.

There are many common mistakes to avoid when trying to get out of a bad date or a second date. I promise it’s easier than playing dead.

Lies: Mistake Number One
Just say, “No thanks on the drink. I’m really not up for it. Cliche as it is, honesty is a good policy and it will save you the guilt.

Excuses: Mistake Number Two
Instead of agreeing to mow your mom’s neighbor’s lawn, just tell the person you don’t want to go out with them again.

Postponements: Mistake Number Three
I don’t have time tonight, can we reschedule next week?

I know I’m guilty of saying this, and then I just don’t call. Say, “Thanks, but no thanks” and avoid the stress that you don’t need.

Don’t Call: Mistake Number Four
If you say you’re going to call, you should do what you say. If you decide to blow that person off, you have a 50/50 chance of that person actually getting the hint. Fifty percent of us will think of every reason possible for not getting a call from you. Like, maybe he lost my number? Maybe I was supposed to call him? Or, maybe he didn’t know what day we planned on? I think its better to not promise the call in the first place, but if you do, say, “It was great, but I’m not going that direction.”

Let’s hope you get voice mail.

Let’s Be Friends: Mistake Number Five
I doubt you want to be friends with the guy that clipped his nails in front of the restaurant where you met for dinner. Although asking him to be your friend will soften the blow, don’t say it unless you mean it. Some people will think there is still a chance for something more, and the others might believe that it’s actually true.

Seeing Someone Else: Mistake Number Six
This is the one time it’s alright to lie. You might as well have said, There is someone better than you. Ouch.

Go Anyway: Mistake Number Seven
It’s even harder to get out of a third date than to get out of the last half of the first or the second date altogether. Cut your ties sooner, it’s better.

A lot of times you don’t have to explain why you don’t want another date. But if you do, just be honest. It’s perfectly fine to not like someone after a date with or without a good reason.

My friend Brittney is new to New York City and eager to meet all kinds of new people (a/k/a men). After a few weeks of surfing Match.com, she found who she calls, The Scientist. He is actually a Ph.D. student at NYU.

Still unfamiliar with the city, she managed to find the coffee shop near Times Square that The Scientist suggested for their first date, which was surprisingly quaint and comfortable. Brittney didn’t need to wait for The Scientist because he was there when she arrived. To her surprise when he stood up to kiss her cheek, he was the shortest man she’d ever seen. He’s shorter than her, which is difficult considering she is barely five feet tall.

Turned out that when they were both sitting down the height wasn’t even really an issue, but being bored to tears was an issue. The Scientist talked about himself for at least an hour. He mostly talked about his research, which focused around the patterns of sexual reproduction between fruit flies and its surprising similarity to the human reproduction process. After Brittney tuned in and tuned out several times she finally had to ask: So you’ve been watching fruit flies have sex for the last three years?

The Scientist hesitantly responded with a positive, but in a rather negative tone. And that pretty much ended the date.

Now one would think it was clear that there was no love connection between the two. But to Brittney’s surprise the Match.com emails from The Scientist continued. In fact, they became very direct and romantic. After not responding for several days Brittney finally wrote that she really was only looking for friends and since the two of them didn’t have anything in common, thanks, but no thanks.

The Scientist responded with a vile e-mail about how he had never mentioned a relationship and had only implied sex. He said that if Brittney wasn’t able to give that up, then he wished her good luck in New York, because she’d never survive.

She knew it was pointless to reply, but it was too easy. She wrote back thanking The Scientist for the advice, but reminded him that fruit fly sex experts made poor human sex experts.

FELLAS! Get your online dating profile written by a professional.

I’ve done some research to discover what makes a good compliment. In other words, I asked my friends to tell me about the nicest thing anyone has said to them. Please add to this list by commenting. I’d love to hear from ya.

1. The most complimented I’ve ever been is on my butt. One of my former co-workers recently MySpaced me to say, “J Lo’s got nothin’ on you.”

2. You smell great.

3. How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days is my favorite movie too!

4. I had been on a couple dates with this guy that I really liked. On our third date I agreed to drive and when he saw my car he said, “nice wheels.” I’m not sure why, but it made me feel like such a cool chick.

5. You know, you’re gorgeous.

6. Wow, that looks good on you.

7. As long as you’re there, I don’t care where we go.

8. On a first date we were playing the “what if” game. I asked, “If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?” He responded, “I wish I would’ve met you sooner.”

9. You make me a better person.

10. I know this great place… It’s in your arms. Can I go there soon?

BONUS

11. You have a lot of class.

12. You’re the hottest girl in the room.

13. I have a crush on this guy in my building. We ran into each other at the mailbox and he said, “Did you get your haircut?” I actually had gotten my haircut. It must be love.

14. You are the smartest girl I’ve ever dated.

15. You are the perfect kisser.

16. After being on vacation and not going to the gym for weeks my jeans were feeling tight. Silently feeling guilty while eating creme brulee, my boyfriend looked at me and said, “You are looking really good. I don’t think I’ve seen you any skinnier.”

17. My mom is going to love you.

18. You’re different than other girls.

19. I was playing softball with friends when this guy walked by and said, “Hey, you throw like a guy.” I turned around pretending to be offended. He got the message and said, “I mean, you throw good.”

20. I can tell you anything.

21. You’re my best friend.

OK, so it’s more than 10…I couldn’t stop. Check out my really funny list of BAD compliments…aka 10 great ways to insult a woman.

For more compliments visit the DatingTales compliments soundboard.

I wasn’t all that interested in Dave, but I decided to give him a chance in case there was something I overlooked. I did–and still do–believe that dates are like job interviews. Even if you don’t want the commitment, it’s worth the practice for the real thing.

I met Dave at a party. I was chasing around a young, artist-type from the keg to the porch to the living room, and it seemed every time I turned around Dave was right there. After realizing I had no chance with the artist, I started talking to Dave. He was a musician and he fit the mold with a head full of long hair and trendy jeans.

On our date he struck out only minutes after it began. When I arrived at his house he was wearing a worn out Led Zepplin t-shirt and wrinkled khaki shorts–and he was high. I only know this because when he answered the door the pot pipe in his hand was still smoking.

Dave welcomed me and politely gave me a tour of his house. My impression was that he wasn’t doing so bad for a young bachelor. But after I met the five other roommates, I changed my mind because it really wasn’t that great for a single 28-year-old to be sharing a room with the drummer in his band.

Once we sat down for dinner, he sat quietly watching me chew. I felt as if the date would never end. I looked at my watch to see that it was only 7:15pm and then looked out the window to see the sun was shining brighter than I would’ve thought possible. When the waitress came with the check Dave followed my gaze out the window for quite some time. I choreographed a large sigh with the slap of my Visa on the table. A moment later, Dave reached into his back pocket only to bring his hands back to the table empty.

Finally, the date was over.