My handbag.
My Golden Goddess Satchel –you know the heavy one that hurts my back but I love anyway–well it seems to be causing relationship trouble for me lately. It started two weeks ago when on the lightrail (Denver’s mass transit). I was standing there, hanging on to the bar with one hand and holding my book with the other. Meanwhile my cutie-doodie Satchel was neatly hanging from my shoulder. Right where it was supposed to be.
Well the problem comes into play because my boyfriend was having his snack–a granola bar. Strangely he has this very strong need to not touch or be touched while eating. Yeah, I know.
Anyhow, without even realizing it my bag was brushing up against his side. Not just for a moment but apparently for a full two stops. The fact that I didn’t notice (I was reading my favorite Eat, Pray, Love) only made matters worse.
He took the wrapper of the granola bar, which still contained all those little loose pieces of granola that are always there at the end of that snack, and shoved it into the front pocket of my bag. So now, I’ve been traveling around with a granola filled Satchel.
Revenge is on its way.
I suffer from chronic neck pain. It’s probably not fair to throw the word chronic in there because no one has ever told me that my condition is chronic. All I know is that my neck seems to always hurt and frankly, I’m just annoyed by it and I’ll call it chronic if I want because it makes me feel better. Sigh. Anyway.
You don’t think about the importance of your neck until you can’t turn your head to change lanes. Or until you can’t get out of a yoga move without someone spotting your noggen.
Needless to say my neck pain/frustration has gotten the best of me and so last week I visited a chiropractor for the very first time. Not knowing anything about chiropractic work all I expected was some popping and cracking here and there; the last thing I expected was a lecture on my fashion accessories.
According to the chiropractor my eight-pound Golden Goddess Satchel is pulling my right shoulder and hip out of alignment. The dull aching in my back is a direct result of carrying my Satchel around all day and the shooting pains in my neck are a secondary result of the bag because of the way I baby the rest of my body to accomodate its shape and size.
He said he’d pop my body back into shape for $35 a whack, but he needs me to give up the bag for awhile. I said, “Heck no, the bag won’t go. I just spent a big chunk of a pay check on that thing.”
I will, however, take my water bottle, 600-page book, running shoes, lunch bag, and journal out of the Satchel. That should lighten it up a bit. Ya think?
Beautiful, isn’t it?
One of the best sales people I’ve ever met was at the Clarins Beauty Counter at Nordstrom’s.
After my “free” make over she managed to peak my interest on $280 worth of product. I wanted each tube of whatever botanical cream, oil, and lotion that promised ultimate beauty. The only problem is that I didn’t like the damage it would do to my wallet.
After voicing my concern and refusing a $40 bottle of eye serum the saleswoman said, “If this product will last you one month that brings this to $3.20 a day. That’s the cost of a cup of coffee. Would you be willing to give up coffee every day for a more beautiful, confident self?”
Absolutely I would and I did. And I keep doing it. In fact once that month was up I did it with other things. Like my beautiful Elaine Turner Gretchen handbag
that cost me $240. I figured that if I gave up my daily latte ($4), one lunch out a week ($13), and two happy hours that month ($30), then voila. My Gretchen is paid for.
Next month I’m forfeiting my gym membership and running outside. I have my eyes on a pretty wallet to match.
Last summer I served as a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. After a very unfortunate event, I lost my Hobo International Rachel Wallet that I doubled as a clutch. It’s been eight months and I’m still not over it. That’s how much I loved that thing.
So picture this. Its hours and many drinks after the reception and I’ve found myself on the beach behind the hotel where the bridal party was staying. I wasn’t alone. I was accompanied by several friends, the bride, her mother, and a couple of cutie groomsmen. The party had been so fun that we weren’t ready for it to be over and it seemed only logical to get our feet wet…literally.
Some time went by and I found myself and one of the cutie groomsmen on a beach chair alone. In between a couple of make out sessions (I’ll spare you the details) I excused myself to find a place to pee.
Coincidentally I ran into my friend Jenny who was looking to do the same. We carefully selected a spot away from any light and partially hidden by a break. We took a few steps into the water and standing side by side we lifted our dresses above our heads, dropped our drawers, and squatted. I tucked my camel colored Rachel under my left arm and used my right hand to hold my dress in place.
Everything was going great until a wave came causing me to lose my balance. I needed both hands to keep me from falling in the water and in just a millisecond my clutch fell from my arm and into the water.
I shrieked to Jenny that I had dropped my Rachel wallet and was now peeing on my leg and britches. Of course she started shrieking too and then the both of us were splashing back and forth looking for the wallet.
But it was a lost cause. It was too dark. The water was moving too fast. And let’s face it, I was too drunk to know what the heck to do. So goodbye Hobo International Rachel Wallet I miss you.
For only $16.2 million, Georges Marciano, the founder of Guess clothing company, purchased the largest high-quality diamond ever found. Sotheby’s (one of the world’s largest auction houses) sold the 84.37 carat rock last week and now it’s making the news.
You obviously can’t wear this thing, but it might make a nice centerpiece. But then again, who feels comfortable with a $16 million centerpiece. Maybe Mr. Marciano just wants to tell people that he has it and then leave it in a safe somewhere.
If only I were rich…
