2. A hairy gorilla. I mean, really.

3. Chances are high that he will be too much like your ex. You don’t need to relive that whole scenario.

4. Undoubtedly, a bed hog.

5. When you look in his eyes it might seem like you have a lot in common, but he’ll never understand your need for handbags, pedicures, and happy hours.

6. His chest pounding and roaring will be a turn on at times. Doesn‘t everyone like a man in charge? Just beware. Sometimes the bossiness gets old.

7. You’ll hate holding hands. All that walking around on his fists means he’s got crazy calluses. I won’t even get started on his fingernails.

8. Your gorilla boyfriend will be a loner.

9. He rarely smiles. The only way to know a gorilla is happy is when he hands you a piece of grass.

10. When you ask questions he’ll respond with a “ipfh.” Then, you’ll be all like, “what?” And then again he’ll say, “ulf.” In other words, he’s a mumbler.

Tired of only dating gorillas when you know there is a teddy bear out there who you will just adore? Try the Dating Tales online dating profile writing service and have your online profile professionally written. Our clients are finding more people to date on sites such as Match.com and Yahoo! Personals than ever before.

Creative Commons Image Credit: Kjunstorm

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If you’re up for re-evaluating your diet and lifestyle, you’ll be surprised to find some answers here: The UltraMind Solution: Fix Your Broken Brain by Healing Your Body First

No doubt she’s over-the-top and kind of annoying. But Patti Stanger is popular for a reason. Her book is directed to women, but helpful insight for men: Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate

This book title does not contain a typo. It really does say “but”: Get Off Your “But”: How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself

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I hear ya.

Here are a few life tips and dating tips to help you jump start your gloomy mood into a livelier mood. Spring is here (almost).

1 – A little bedroom feng shui will kick start your energy both at home and out there in the big bad dating world. Here are a few feng shui tips.

• Fire colors evoke passion. Decorate your bedroom with yellows, reds, and oranges.
• Pair up decorative items, i.e., two flowers in two vases, two floating candles, two pretty stones.
• Clear out your closet so there is some empty space.
• Move your bed away from overhead lights so that it is not directly in line with the door.

2 – Eat these three foods: 1) multi-grain pasta, 2) acai berries, and 3) spinach. You’ll have more energy, you’ll consume fewer calories, and you’ll just feel good.

3 – A fake tan. Ok, ok, I know fake baking is cancer causing and sort of ridiculous, but a little bit of a sunshine can improve your mood and make you feel sexier. And if you feel sexier, then you will be sexier.

Take just ten minutes every week to sit in the sun. Even if it’s cold outside, take advantage of that vitamin D. Then later, lather on self-tanning lotion for a fake, but healthy sun tan.

4 – Self help books aren’t just a fad. Dr. Judith Orloff’s Guide to Intuitive Healing: 5 Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness is a top seller for a good reason: It helps people improve on their confidence and overall wellness.

5 – Are you tired of hearing yourself whine? Have your friends stopped returning your calls because you are, shall we say, a Debbie downer? Give it a break already, geesh.

6 – Start a happiness journal. Every day write down something you like about yourself and like about being single. Look on the bright side.

7 – Change things up. Paint a wall, take a pottery class, subscribe to a new magazine, revamp your Facebook profile, and revitalize your online dating profile with a new write-up and a good-looking photo!

****

Was this dating advice helpful? Buy me a beer to tell me so.

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What an honor!

You can read the whole darn interview today … right now. All you have to do is head on over and read the post, Tuesday Q&A: Sara Lancaster.

Make sure to leave comments and say hello while you’re there. They’ve got quite a collection of celebrity news and photos. I can’t seem to get enough of those Blah Girls.

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Dude #1 – So how long do I wait to call?
Dude #2 – A day.

Dude #1 – Tomorrow.
Dude #3 – Tomorrow, then a day.
Dude #2 – Yeah.

Dude #1 – So two days?
Dude #2 -  Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Dude #3 – Definitely, two days is like industry standard.

Dude #2 – You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Dude #3 -  Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Dude #2 – Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…

Dude #1 – Yeah, but you know what, maybe I’ll wait 3 weeks. How’s that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Dude #4 – Then ask her where you met her.

Dude #1 – Yeah, I’ll ask her where I met her. I don’t remember. What does she look like? And then I’ll asked if we f*&@#$%. Is that… would that be… T, would that be the money?
Dude #2 – You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.

Dude #1 – Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Dudes #2 & 3 – Six days.

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Here is my advice for you if you choose to date a doctor.

Find patience. Understand that he is not like all the other guys. Chances are your doctor friend won’t remember all of his social commitments and he won’t have the time to call or see you as much as you like.

There’s never a reason to settle, but when dating a doctor there is reason to have a little patience with his busy schedule and over-stimulated mind.

Keep your sense of humor. Without laughter you might just lose your mind. Ask anyone who has dated a doctor before and they will tell you…if you can’t laugh about being stood up for the third Friday in a row or having to help your genius boyfriend match his outfits, then it’ll never work.

Light-heartedness is critical when dating a doctor.

Look for camaraderie with others who are also dating doctors. There is no better way to deal with life than to vent to someone who knows what you are going through. Wives and girlfriends of doctors everywhere can relate to the trials and tribulations of dating a doctor.

Are you looking to date a doctor? Sign up for the Dating Tales profile writing service and find your hotty MD today.

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I know it seems a bit like a stretch, but it was a cute movie and there was one element of the movie that really stuck with me. Sarah’s character says that in order to get a guy to like you there are three things that must happen.

1. The guy must be able to help the girl with a problem of some sort. In the movie she pretends that her dog is dying and she’s very sad about it. Boo hoo.

2. The girl must meet the guy’s friends who need to like her enough to give an approving nod. A game of paintball was enough to get her the nod in the movie.

3. In order for a guy to really fall for a girl he needs to teach her something. In Failure to Launch he taught her to sail. Ahoy matey.

I had a similar experience not too long ago. I was meeting up with a guy at a bar. When I arrived he already had a drink and was back playing pool. I stood in line at the bar for something like 15 minutes and got nowhere. There were so many people the massive line just didn’t move.

He came up, pushed his way through, and within a couple of minutes had gotten me a lovely Bud Light. Piece number one of the formula finished.

We then headed over to the pool table where he had already started a game. I watched him play and complimented him on his “technique/ass” whenever I felt it was appropriate.

When it was time for the two of us to play together he kindly made suggestions on my game. I feigned disappointment in my abilities to “break” and asked him to show me how he does it. Gladly, he walked over and gave me the lo’ down.

Phase two completed.

Two Bud Lights and a game of pool later, a group of guys walked up to my date and began high-fiving him and then pretend hugging like guys do. I was a little thrown off to realize that I’d be meeting friends of my date, but after a couple of minutes I realized that it was a good thing. My date liked me and had brought in his entourage to confirm I was worth liking.  The third item on the list was checked off.

I guess my situation isn’t really all that similar to the movie. I mean, he didn’t live with his parents, he certainly did’t look like Matthew McConaughey, and there were not paintballs or sail boats around. But he did manage to help me with my dilemma at the bar, help me to resolve my billiards “problem,” and introduce me to his friends.

Moral of the story: All of your love life dillemas can be resolved through chick flics and the Dating Tales profile writing service.

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1. Am I desperate? Perhaps you want a relationship so bad that you don’t make good decisions.

2. Are you too afraid to take risks? Learn from this woman on Evan Marc Katz Web site who didn’t have the courage to date a doctor.

3. Are you living the good life? Life is too short to miss out on everything there is to offer. If you aren’t living the good life, then you are definitely doing something wrong.

4. Are you a cougar? Enough said.

5. Are you having a hard time overcoming your loneliness? Sometimes it’s hard to date or meet someone new when you are so lonely. Being happy with your status is important.

6. Do you make a good impression? The ol’ deodorant commercial really says it all. If you can’t be yourself among strangers and have a hard time speaking to new people, then of course it’s going to be hard to start a new relationship.

7. Do you have a good attitude? If you can’t keep your spirits up and have a good outlook on life, then maintaining healthy relationships will be hard.

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So when dating and pursuing sexual partners, what’s the protocol? It’s never easy to fess up to an STD, but your conscience and your partner will appreciate your honesty. Besides, it’s so darn common there is a good chance the other person has it anyway.

To start, be good about getting your pap smears and other STD testing. Every year it’s a good idea to visit the doctor for both your health and peace of mind.  Second, avoid having intercourse too soon in a relationship.

And when that’s not what you want to do, just be bold. If you are honest about it and come yielding condoms, you might be surprised by the reaction. Most people won’t be surprised or judgmental. And those that are, aren’t worth your time anyway.

Another route to take is to work with single sites that cater to singles with STDs. I’ve yet to find something specific to HPV, but sites like Positive Singles are friendly to all.

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One, two, three… I guess that is every single one of us.

Although this excuse for not calling is lame, it’s easy. People don’t say it be jerks, they say it because they don’t want to be mean. How awful would it be if that guy never called and then you ran into him and he said “Hey, I decided I really didn’t like you and the thought of going out with you again really bothered me. So I didn’t call. Have a good night!”

That would be mean.

It’s hard to accept that what you perceived as a good date may not have been a good date for the other guy. You never know the reasons why—the possibilities are limitless really:

1) He got back together with his ex
2) He met someone the next day that he liked better
3) He’s addicted to online dating
4) He has a life threatening disease and doesn’t want to break your heart
—or the dreaded—
5) He’s just not that into you (sorry, I hate it as much as you do)

Whatever the reason, don’t take it to heart. The best thing you can do is after a week or so of no phone action, just accept it and move on. Maybe you’ll hear from him or maybe you won’t. Either way, it’s time to meet the next one.

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