I’ve been broken up with in many ways and it’s been awful every time. I’m sure that’s how it is for most of us since there’s no great, easy way to do it. But there are things you can do to make it respectful and a little easier to cope with.
Show respect for the other person and yourself and break-up face to face. Don’t be fearful of doing the break-up while looking that person in the eye.
Pick a mutually comfortable spot and don’t break-up in a public place. With very few other people around, you won’t fall apart with total strangers watching. There’s nothing worse.
A long meal could be too much to endure with anger and tears overcoming the person, so keep the meeting short. Better off for every one is a quick break-up date.
Avoid the cliché and don’t say the following: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”
White lying is OK. Recognize when it’s proper to save the other person’s feelings. Now is the time to stick to the real reason the relationship is ending, not to pick her or him apart with all the little things that drive you crazy, like eating habits and movie preferences.
Don’t compare the other person to cars, food, ex’s, vacations, and so on. Avoid analogies and just say “I don’t see this going anywhere” or “I think we’d both be happier with someone else.”
Going your separate ways really is best. You can be done after you call once. Say hello and that you’re sorry, but no more. Dragging out a break-up might give the other person hope for reconciliation when there is none.
Not a typical conversation here at DatingTales, but one I think is worth talking about. Read these facts from the Family Violence Prevention Fund:
• 78% of stalking victims are women and it is likely that she is stalked by an intimate partner
• 20% of women report being raped or assaulted in their lifetime
• Each day, at least three women are murdered by their significant others in the United States
• 30% of Americans know a woman who within the last year has been abused by her significant other
• Men are more likely to be victims of violent crime, however, women are eight times more likely to be violated by a partner
This ad from the UK-based National Centre for Domestic Violence will get you thinking too.
If you or someone you know is struggling with Domestic Violence, call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (800) 799-SAFE
I dated this great guy in college. Without sounding cliche, he really was a nice and considerate guy. Things were never that serious, but I remember hoping that it would be.
That summer when we dated, he went on a family trip to Las Vegas. (Red light, red light. Who takes a family trip to Vegas? In the summer no less.) I saw him off that day with a casual lunch and and we planned to speak when he returned in a few days.
Like clockwork, he called the afternoon he got back and asked me to go on a hike. Of course I said yes and even told a few of my roommates how nice it was to finally be dating someone who was eager to go out and do things at random times for no reason at all. It was a fairly short hike, maybe an hour total, but about 20 minutes into the hike he said, “So have I ever told you about my last girlfriend?”
He began to tell the story of their off and on relationship and how throughout their relationship she had also grown close to his family, which is why she went to Las Vegas with him, by the way. While on the trip the two managed to rekindle their relationship so things probably weren’t going to work out for him and I.
Well of course things weren’t going to work out, but what I couldn’t understand was why he was telling me atop a mountain. Why not over a drink? Why not on a short walk around the block? Instead, he decided to tell me on a hike where I had no choice but to talk to him for the next 40 minutes about his decision to get back together with his ex-girlfriend.
The urge to jump on his shoulders and take him down right there on the trail was pretty strong, but I refrained because I didn’t want to walk all the way home.
Hate is a strong word. But when being dumped it feels like he hates me. And frankly, after the dumping is finished, I often hate him. I’ve been broken up with more times than I’d like to remember and each break-up was heart-wrenching and traumatizing. The good news is that each time I learned more about myself and more importantly I now have a lot of material to write about.
I spent some time today thinking back on every break-up since I was five-years-old and decided to blog their reasons for leaving me. It feels like therapy. You should do it too.
You broke all the green crayons.
I’m afraid of the dark.
I don’t want to go to homecoming with you.
Because Josh is my friend.
I met someone else.
No reason. Just cuz.
You wouldn’t sleep with me.
Did I ever tell you about my ex-girlfriend? No? Well, we’re getting back together.
Last year I had a boyfriend, well I’m not sure if he was my boyfriend since we only made it to that weird six-week mark when it feels too soon to talk about what you are, yet you still see each other three or four times a week. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that Bob–we’ll just call him that–rarely went to sleep with me.
Because it was so early in the relationship I didn’t feel I could give him the third-degree about not falling asleep with me. I was confused, though, and so I would just ask casually: “Couldn’t you sleep last night?” or “Would you rather sleep alone tonight?” He would respond with, “Nope, slept just fine” or “No, I’d really like you to stay.”
Finally, one night at 12:30 when the other side of the bed was still empty I got up to see exactly what kept him up so late. I found Bob sitting at the kitchen table with five huge piles of tic tacs and something like 40 little tic tac canisters before him. He said, “Hey. Can’t you sleep?”
I was speechless.
I sat down at the table and watched him for awhile. Ever so delicately he took one spearmint tic tac from a pile and placed it in one of the containers. He then took a little flavorful nugget from the orange pile, then from the lime, then from the wintergreen and then finally from the cinnamon pile.I watched him do this for about 10 minutes at which point he had filled close to three of the canisters with the tic tac assortment.
I asked, “Do you do this with all kinds of candy?”
“Nope, just tic tacs.”
Sitting quiet another minute I said, “Yah, I can’t sleep so I think I’ll go home.”
The weirdest part wasn’t that Bob filled tic tac canisters one at a time, but that he didn’t offer an explanation for his behavior.
Neither one of us called again after that night. Bob was a good guy, but I can’t be with someone who likes tic tacs THAT much. I can’t compete. I’m not minty.
I dated this great guy in college. Without sounding cliche, he really was a nice and considerate guy. Things were never that serious, but I remember hoping that it would be.
Last year I had a boyfriend, well I’m not sure if he was my boyfriend since we only made it to that weird six-week mark when it feels too soon to talk about what you are, yet you still see each other three or four times a week. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that Bob–we’ll just call him that–rarely went to sleep with me.
