Dating Tales

It was a sad, sad morning for a friend of mine today. After what started off as a great night out at a local discotheque followed by a couple of drinks and a healthy serving of the only nachos worth eating after 12:30 am at a nearby dive bar, the night took a nosedive into Crapville when her most recent ex walked through the door.

It’s a little blurry (thanks to two dirty martinis and several Bud Lights) what happened next, but I’m pretty sure it involved another girl, fake smiles, and lots of tears. This morning I went to her place to cheer her up with bagels and a bloody mary and then also to piece the night back together again. I’m a lot like Humpty Dumpty, my friends say.

If the scene at the bar wasn’t enough, I guess after the cab dropped her off at home the sleeze ball felt the need to text message her half a dozen times with one sleezier message after the next. He wanted to come over and when she turned him down he got mean.

I felt (and feel) so bad for my friend. We’ve all been there and there’s no solace for a mending heart that is forced to deal with the cause of its injury with a blood alcohol content of .10.

After we finished our morning beverages I did manage to get my trooper of a friend smiling again, but the real magic happened when I started shopping online. While she was on the phone relaying the whole episode to another one of our friends, I visited eBags to look for the best “I’m hot and happy to be single” handbag I could find. And of course, I found something like eight of them.

After she hung up the phone I reminded her that there is free shipping on handbags at eBags.com and then left her to her devices. She just called a couple of minutes ago thanking me for wiping tears and agreeing to hate the monster for all my live long days, and also for recommending a new handbag. Her favorite “I Spy” should be arriving sometime next week.

So far all of you out there nursing your hangovers and heartaches, try a new handbag. You’ll be put all back together again, I promise.

Most would say yes, Sara, you are stupid. If it were a friend asking me this same question I’d say, yes friend, you are stoopid.

Basically, co-signing on a loan together means that you like the other person enough to accept his or her financial responsibilities whether you can afford them or not. And if that’s not an opportunity to say ‘yikes-o-rama’ I don’t know what is.

Of course, I’m not asking my boyfriend to pay for my brand new beautiful blue car. All I wanted was the best deal possible and the way to do that was through co-signange. So here we are a happy couple with a new level of commitment under our wings. I’m a little scared, I won’t lie.

But then I read this auto advice article by a blogger at Accurate Auto Advice. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want my boyfriend to ever be an “ex,” but I’m also realistic. Anything can happen and I need to be looking out for myself. According to the article, I’m OK. If (and only if) things don’t work out, there are ways to renegotiate the deal without being linked to each other forever.

Vroom. Vroom.

A couple of years ago I dated a guy that I met on Elite Mate. It was a fun relationship. We laughed a lot, kept it light hearted, and managed to spend a lot of time together after a pretty short period of time.

About a month in I planned a trip away to visit friends over my birthday. I told him all about it even mentioning that I was turning 26 several different times that same weekend. Well, the time came for him to call and wish me a happy birthday and my phone didn’t ring. I even called him expecting a “happy birthday,” but I only got his voicemail.

He completely, 100% forgot my birthday. I was bummed.

Now I know there are many people that just wouldn’t care. It’s only a birthday and we were only dating for a couple of months. But like I said, I was bummed.

A few days after I returned from my trip he did call and I let it go to voicemail. I was still too disappointed. His message said that he hoped I had a good birthday and he couldn’t wait to see me again.

I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t see him again.

I “broke up” with him (if you can even call it that) over the phone that same week. He tried to talk me out of it, but I just knew I wouldn’t forget that he was the forgetful one.

What would you do?

Dear Bad Kisser:

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings by shrieking in disgust after our first kiss. Many times I liked you and didn’t want to ruin “a good thing” by being so picky about something as small as a kiss. But the reality is that a kiss is no small thing and doing it right is critical in any relationship. So since I didn’t say anything then, I’m saying something now. You are a horrible kisser! Fix this for the next girl, you’ll thank me for it later.

If you do anything on the below list, then you know I’m talking to you.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Girlfriend

Teeth Licker: You like the feel of teeth on your tongue and that’s weird. There is zero feeling on my enamel and it does nothing more than make me forget the goodness of kissing.

Tongue Thruster: I don’t have a sensitive gag reflex. I have a normal gag reflex and was just reacting to you thrusting your tongue so far back in my throat.

Face Licker: I think you were trying to be sensual (or maybe just lazy), by kissing and licking my face. This was just messy and distracting.

The Boring One: You avoided tongue altogether and prefered quick, stiff kisses. Although sweet pecks here and there are nice, enough is enough!

The Unprepared One: Use toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, and chap stick on a daily basis. This is not optional.

Ear Sticker: Your wet, juicy tongue in the ear was so loud! And it gave me the willies. A little bit of tongue goes a long way.

Over-Ambitious One: After one kiss you tried to unbutton and unzip. If you had only taken your time…

The Constant Kisser: Every half a second you were pecking here and there, here and there. Pick a spot and give it some quality attention.

The Tongue Twirler: Your acrobatic tongue was fun, but hard to keep up with. It’s like a dance, be a good leader not a wild wiggling machine.

The Face Smasher: It is a misconception that the harder you kiss and press up against someone, the better the kiss. You squished my nose and impaired my breathing. You also gave me a sore cheek bone from too much cheek on cheek action.

I’ve been broken up with in many ways and it’s been awful every time. I’m sure that’s how it is for most of us since there’s no great, easy way to do it. But there are things you can do to make it respectful and a little easier to cope with.

Show respect for the other person and yourself and break-up face to face. Don’t be fearful of doing the break-up while looking that person in the eye.

Pick a mutually comfortable spot and don’t break-up in a public place. With very few other people around, you won’t fall apart with total strangers watching. There’s nothing worse.

A long meal could be too much to endure with anger and tears overcoming the person, so keep the meeting short. Better off for every one is a quick break-up date.

Avoid the cliché and don’t say the following: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”

White lying is OK. Recognize when it’s proper to save the other person’s feelings. Now is the time to stick to the real reason the relationship is ending, not to pick her or him apart with all the little things that drive you crazy, like eating habits and movie preferences.

Don’t compare the other person to cars, food, ex’s, vacations, and so on. Avoid analogies and just say “I don’t see this going anywhere” or “I think we’d both be happier with someone else.”

Going your separate ways really is best. You can be done after you call once. Say hello and that you’re sorry, but no more. Dragging out a break-up might give the other person hope for reconciliation when there is none.