Dating Tales

This has been circulating around the internet and because it’s quite hilarious, I though I’d share.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. He found a woman with this story…

She said it was midwinter. Snowing and quite cold. And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah, for a day skiing. No overnights. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started to pee.

In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about ‘what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

The best part of it all?

They fell in love and he became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

He didn’t hold the door; that’s the one thing your date must do. Or, maybe he reminds you of your ex or maybe he just disgusts you. Whatever it is, it’s been 45 minutes and you already can’t stand this guy.

There are ways to get out of the date without it being too awkward. Here are some tips:

Plan it to be short. A drink, a cup of coffee, a walk in the park with your dogs, these are all dates that would take less than an hour. No more four hour first dates.

There’s somewhere you need to be. Make it known. If before even going on the date, or within the first few minutes you have hesitation about this guy, mention a friend’s birthday party you need to go to later. Don’t make it a big deal, just make it believable.

For me, no desert. If you’ve had enough of the date, don’t agree to more.

Let him know if he’s rude. If he offends you, it’s ok to let him know you’re not interested. If in the first 20 minutes, for example, he asked who you’re hooking up with, respond by saying: “None of your business! I’m honestly not interested in hooking up with anyone right now. ” No matter what you do, a jerk will be a jerk.

Don’t say you’ll call. Don’t say you’ll call if you’re not going to call. It is perfectly alright to say that it was nice to meet him and that you wish him the best. He’ll get the point and hopefully not call you!

A handshake. The perfect indication that there will not be another date. No need to get too intimate with a hug or a kiss if you don’t like him.

Visit the DatingTales.net online dating guide for more tips like these.

I know prostitution is the oldest profession. I know hookers are people too. I know sex is just sex. I get it. But here’s a tip: when on a first date don’t tell someone that you’ve slept with one.

I met a man named Todd through a friend of a friend. He was athletic, attractive, formerly a successful day trader turned high school teacher, and polite. He was great on paper and easy on the eyes so when he asked me out for dinner I said yes quickly.

The first 15 minutes of the date went great. In fact, we were flirting and laughing from the word go, but somehow the conversation changed and everything was lost. He started reminiscing about his career in finance when he mentioned that the partying and hookers just got to be too much so he had to get out.

“Hookers, really?” I questioned.

“Yeah, sure. It’s not that uncommon, I’m sure every man you know has slept with one. At least I’m honest.”

Unfortunately the date didn’t end here. For whatever reason I wanted to act like it didn’t bother me. But holy cow, it bothered me.

Is it true, do all men sleep with prostitutes? Even the educated, confident, honest men that I know?

It’s in my nature to try and play matchmaker. There’s nothing more exciting than a blossoming new romance and if I see an opportunity among friends, then I jump at it.

Not too long ago I set up my friend Jen with a co-worker. I had a party and the two met with sparks flying. The next week they met for dinner and somehow things changed.

Jen called me the day after to tell me, hesitantly at that, he’s not that nice.

“He talked crap about all your friends the whole night. He even said some things about you, Sara. He said you throw boring parties and that he wished you would stop having them altogether because he felt obligated to go. But don’t worry, I told him off.”

“Who doesn’t like a good game of Taboo, homemade limoncillo, and my oh-so-favorite 80s party mix?” I retorted, pouting a little.

I’m grateful to Jen for standing up for me, for telling me about it so I wouldn’t try to set up this guy again, and for never calling him back. Thanks Jen.

Apparently, even the guys you’re friends date can break your heart too.

I’ve had two dates at the Empire State Building. Sure, you’re imaging a romantic re-do of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan’s encounter, but that wasn’t my experience. Both were deadly.

The first date didn’t actually involve going in the building, but meeting right outside near the Heartland Brewery. Picture me standing there; hopeful, nervous, and excited to meet the guy I’d only seen online, when I hear the sound of coins on the ground. I looked down to find two quarters and a nickel near my foot on the sidewalk. Looking up at the looming tower I realized I was inches from death and convinced that if one of those quarters had penetrated my skull I would have collapsed right here before my date.

When my date arrived I told him the story and he went on and on about terminal velocity and how I wouldn’t have died, blah, blah, blah. I like my story better. It’s much more exiting.

On a seperate date with another guy I met on Match, I arrived at the Empire State Building with him. Waiting in line to go up to the top, I told him about my previous near-death experience below the Empire State Building which, by the way, he also refuted when a security guard asked me to step aside. My date followed and listened as the security guard asked me to put a plastic bag in my purse.

I had no idea what to say or what to think. My date didn’t either and so he only asked the guard’s name and made sure he’d stay with us the whole time. I reluctantly put the plastic bag and its unknown contents in my purse and walked back to the security line worrying that I’d just made one of the stupidest choices of my life.

Just like you would at the airport, I placed my bag in the bin and watched it move along the conveyor belt. I walked through the metal detector keeping an eye on the security guard screening the bags. When he saw my bag, he only laughed and said, “Nice try.” He pulled the plastic grocery bag from my purse, took out a rubber grenade and handed it back to his boss who was waiting patiently beside us.

So ok, they weren’t actually deadly experiences, but could’ve been if I were writing a screenplay.