What would you say if on a first date a guy said: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I am in love with you.”

You’d probably take it the wrong way and hightail it out of there, right?

This happened to a friend of mine and although she was too polite to hit the road, she certainly considered it.

The date  started off like oh so many first dates do — awkward, a little tense, and filled with quiet moments where you wonder what you’re supposed to say next.

So in one of those awkward silences my friend’s date asked her about religion. Although that’s not an ideal conversation piece for a date, she did meet him on JDate so it was sort of a given.

My friend responded to his question by saying she lived a pretty secular life and that’s when he said he was in love.

She followed up with silence and a simple request to the waiter for the check.

Dating rule number 127: Wait to say “I love you” until you’ve shared a few memories together. A shared spinach and artichoke isn’t enough to know it’s love.

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“What do you call two rabbits on a honeymoon,” John asked.

She didn’t know what to say or if she should laugh so she just stared at him while he giggled and snortled over the crab cheese wantons.

“I’m not sure. What?”

“A bunnymoon.”

Felice feigned amusement and told him to eat the rest of the appetizer. She had eaten her fill.

They were on a date, but it wasn’t really supposed to be a date. Felice and John had been friends since high school when he dated her friend and she dated his friend. Now, the two of them found themselves in the same city without their friends and eating Chinese food in the swankiest part of town.

When he called to ask her for dinner it didn’t occur to Felice that it was a date. Realization came over her when he held his suit jacket over her head on the walk from the car to the restaurant saying, “We can’t let the rain spoil your beauty.”

Her suspicions were confirmed when the bottle of wine arrived. He toasted to their evening and as he held up his glass he gently reached for her resting hand and said, “Hopefully this will be the first of many more evenings to come.”

Panic set in. Did she even think he was good looking? Since high school he had lost his hair and   grown round in the middle. His bunny joke was cute, but was it funny enough to get her though many more evenings like this?

After the second glass of wine she started to enjoy herself and came around to the idea that she was on a date.

After the third glass she began plotting how she was going to kiss him.

After the fourth glass she was planning their wedding in her head.

The fifth glass ended the meal.

She followed John out of the restaurant and attempted to reach for his hand the same way he’d held hers, but her effort was more of a violent jab at his arm than a gentle caress. He didn’t offer his hand so she decided to pretend the awkward moment wasn’t really happening.

Maybe he didn’t notice.

Walking solo she drunkenly veered off the sidewalk and before she knew it she found herself out of her high heels and sitting in the soggy grass.

Stunned, she just sat there and let the moisture from the lawn slowly make its way through her dress. She laughed once her butt cheeks started to feel cold.

John helped her up and then plucked her sunken shoes from the muddy grass. The left heel didn’t just come out muddy—the heel had punctured an envelope, which was now dangling from the shoe.

After turning it over a few times. the flap came unglued and she could see the top of George Washington’s head.

“It’s cash,” they chimed together.

He counted ten, $20 bills.

“We should buy pot,” she said.

Silence.

“I mean, no we should not buy pot. That’s the absolute last thing we should do and I just wanted to make that clear.”

She laughed at herself once more and began to wonder why her new boyfriend wasn’t laughing at this whole ridiculous scene.

Somewhere between the fifth glass of wine and now she decided that John was, in fact, boyfriend material after all.

“How about we spend $160 and put $40 back for good karma? This way our date doesn’t have to end. We can go shopping now,” she excitedly announced being so pleased with her new plan.

Sensing a good opportunity to kiss him, she accurately grabbed his hand and pulled John close. His eyes squinted back at her and for a fleeting moment she remembered she didn’t like his beady eyes.

That’s when he pulled away.

“I was actually hoping I could have the money to reimburse me for dinner,” he blurted and handed her the shoes.

“This isn’t a date Felice. I just wanted someone to share some crab cheese wantons.”

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Last winter a very close friend of mine named Abbie met a doctor online. He was perfect on paper, or should I say on computer screen. They were the same age, he was smart (obviously), he had a nicely written profile, and his pictures were cute.

After a couple of brief phone conversations they decided to meet at a popular bar after work. Immediately, Abbie was attracted. Not only was she on a date with a doctor, but he was hot.

Then he opened his mouth. Apparently he was more impressed with the fact that he was a doctor than she was. It’s all he could talk about. After 45 minutes Abbie was bored and thirsty. He was too busy thinking of more things he could say about himself to notice that she didn’t have a drink.

Finally, she grabbed her purse and motioned that she was going to the bar for a beverage. He says, “Yeah, vodka tonic for me. When you get back I’ll tell you about my 4:45 consult today. And you can put it all on my tab? It’s under Dr. Die.”

“Dr. Die,” she exclaimed! “Your name is Doctor Die. No. Really?”

It was real and for the next 58 minutes she could not get over the fact that she was dating a doctor with the last name of DIE, nor could she get over her boredom.

Another one bites the dust.

Several summers ago I had a fling with a guy who was a huge hugger. I’m not a huge hugger.

Believe it or not our different views on hugging became a big issue for our little, short-lived relationship. It seemed that I couldn’t hug the right way and every time he went for a squeeze it ended in some kind of lecture on my inappropriate hugging behavior.

Apparently when I hug I’m too far away from the other person (arms extended and butt out) and I do the pat. You know, my arms are resting on his lower back and right about the time I’m ready for the hug to end I give a good pat, pat, pat to signal that I’m done.

He hated it. Every time it was: “Don’t pat me. You’re like a grandma!”

I’m not a grandma; I just think hugs are overrated. I come from a loving family and great group of friends, but I don’t need a hug to prove I care. Maybe it’s because I’m tall and I have to bend my neck all goofy to fit on most men’s shoulders. Or, maybe it’s just because I’m not all that affectionate and in times of physical attention I become uncomfortable and don’t know what else to do, other than to give a good pat.

Well this guy couldn’t take it. He didn’t end the fling because of a hug, but I’m sure that’s what he remembers me for. The “back patter”… oh no!

For what it’s worth, I’d much rather be a bad hugger than bad at other things.

Last summer my friend Jess went on a date with someone she met on SinglesNet.com. True to any first date she was nervous and anxious to get it over with, but also psyched about meeting this hotty for real.

His profile looked great and she was optimistic about at least having an interesting conversation about all his travels to South America, where her family is from. She was also looking forward to the excellent food at the sports bar where they agreed to meet. Her favorite.

Unfortunately, though, he wasn’t that interested in talking about his travels at all. He was much more interested in the car she drove, where she drove it, and what she’d prefer to be driving.

Jess, not really knowing much about cars and not even having a “dream car,” decided out of nervousness to tell him about her insistence to not use air conditioning because it uses too much gas. This did not sit well with the car enthusiast and so he went on to tell her that the drag created by having the windows rolled down burned just as much if not more gas than having the air conditioning on.

Fair enough. But instead of just letting it go and moving on to the next subject he said that he didn’t think their date was going well and so he wanted to leave.

Maybe if auto knowledge is so important to him he should quiz his potential dates before they meet. Just a suggestion.

I had an online romance a couple years back that I’m reminded of from time to time when I hear about perverts with camera phones. Sounds strange, I know, but after being introduced to a topless woman via camera phone let’s just say I’ve been a little scarred.

It was our second date after a short week or ten days on phone and e-mail. I met him on EliteMate.com and we quickly had a connection. He had a great sense of humor and seemed to be really interested, at least until the camera phone incident.

We were at an Irish Pub in my neighborhood enjoying a good ol’ Irish beer when he decides to tell me about his day off. He talked about how he surfs early in the morning and then naps on the beach until about 11 or so. Today, however, he was there a little longer because of this girl who was laying out topless.

I didn’t scowl, I just sat and listened acting completely interested all the while wondering if he realized what he was saying. My wonderment soon ended when he pulled out his phone to show me a picture of her… bare boobies and all. He did know what he was doing and that was clear when he said, “This is probably my first mistake, huh?”

First and last buddy.

A friend of mine is having trouble incorporating food into her dates. It seems that either she plans for it and then is surprised to be without it, or she loses all sense when it comes to making decisions about it.

Date Number One: A young hippy neighbor invites her out on a dinner date. She’s surprised when he shows up at her apartment dressed in pressed khaki. She’s taken off guard again when he drives her 30 minutes away to a very nice restaurant she had only heard about.

At this point she feels very under dressed and nervous because the man before her is not the casual “dude” from around the corner. Now he’s this well put together grown-up with intellectual ambitions. Someone she actually has to impress.

When the waiter to take their order she is not focused and uncertain what to order. She finally decides on a steak and when asked how she would like it cooked she responded, “hot.”

He never asked her out again.

Date Number Two: Starving after a long day at work, my friend rushed to her date’s apartment all the way across town. She was supposed to be there at 6:30 for what she assumed would be dinner, but actually turned out to be coffee.

Too embarrassed to tell the man she was starving and would be willing to lick the crumbs off his plate from that morning’s breakfast, she decided to agree to go to the coffee shop. She figured she could somehow work in a biscotti or two to tide her over.

The man would not shut up and the two biscottis that she did manage to scarf down were not enough. Starved and bored, her blood sugar had dropped and again she could not focus or think clearly. She doesn’t remember the last 20 minutes of the date.

Needless to say, she never agreed to another date with him again. A girl’s gotta eat!

For decades this question has gone unanswered and it’s time we settle the issue. I’d like to know and I know you, the reader and dater, want to know too. Who should pay for the first date?

For me, this inquiry was recently brought up after a friend and I discussed an awkward date with a very cheap man. You actually know part of this “missed connection” story because I told it in my “Women Picking Up Men, It’s a Beautiful Thing” post.

The good news is that my friend did go on a date with the cute boy from Craigslist, but the bad news is that he was weird about the bill. So weird, in fact, that she won’t go out with him again.

The story goes like this: At the end of the date she went for her credit card expecting him to say, “No, no. I got it.” When he didn’t say anything she was still OK with paying half because in her mind that was perfectly fair anyway.

But things got weird when he started adding up what was hers (1 beer and 1 burger) and what was his (1 burger). After totaling his amount owed, he opened up his wallet for her to see that there were at least 10, very crisp, twenty dollar bills inside. To make matters worse, he left a $1 tip.

The feminist in me says that women should be willing to pay for half or all of the bill, but then the traditionalist in me says that I should be wined and dined. What do you think? Answer the poll and leave your comments with your ideas. It’s time we settle this issue once and for all.

This has been circulating around the internet and because it’s quite hilarious, I though I’d share.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. He found a woman with this story…

She said it was midwinter. Snowing and quite cold. And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah, for a day skiing. No overnights. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started to pee.

In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about ‘what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

The best part of it all?

They fell in love and he became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.