Dating Tales

Dear Bad Kisser:

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings by shrieking in disgust after our first kiss. Many times I liked you and didn’t want to ruin “a good thing” by being so picky about something as small as a kiss. But the reality is that a kiss is no small thing and doing it right is critical in any relationship. So since I didn’t say anything then, I’m saying something now. You are a horrible kisser! Fix this for the next girl, you’ll thank me for it later.

If you do anything on the below list, then you know I’m talking to you.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Girlfriend

Teeth Licker: You like the feel of teeth on your tongue and that’s weird. There is zero feeling on my enamel and it does nothing more than make me forget the goodness of kissing.

Tongue Thruster: I don’t have a sensitive gag reflex. I have a normal gag reflex and was just reacting to you thrusting your tongue so far back in my throat.

Face Licker: I think you were trying to be sensual (or maybe just lazy), by kissing and licking my face. This was just messy and distracting.

The Boring One: You avoided tongue altogether and prefered quick, stiff kisses. Although sweet pecks here and there are nice, enough is enough!

The Unprepared One: Use toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, and chap stick on a daily basis. This is not optional.

Ear Sticker: Your wet, juicy tongue in the ear was so loud! And it gave me the willies. A little bit of tongue goes a long way.

Over-Ambitious One: After one kiss you tried to unbutton and unzip. If you had only taken your time…

The Constant Kisser: Every half a second you were pecking here and there, here and there. Pick a spot and give it some quality attention.

The Tongue Twirler: Your acrobatic tongue was fun, but hard to keep up with. It’s like a dance, be a good leader not a wild wiggling machine.

The Face Smasher: It is a misconception that the harder you kiss and press up against someone, the better the kiss. You squished my nose and impaired my breathing. You also gave me a sore cheek bone from too much cheek on cheek action.