Dating Tales

Dear Bad Kisser:

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings by shrieking in disgust after our first kiss. Many times I liked you and didn’t want to ruin “a good thing” by being so picky about something as small as a kiss. But the reality is that a kiss is no small thing and doing it right is critical in any relationship. So since I didn’t say anything then, I’m saying something now. You are a horrible kisser! Fix this for the next girl, you’ll thank me for it later.

If you do anything on the below list, then you know I’m talking to you.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Girlfriend

Teeth Licker: You like the feel of teeth on your tongue and that’s weird. There is zero feeling on my enamel and it does nothing more than make me forget the goodness of kissing.

Tongue Thruster: I don’t have a sensitive gag reflex. I have a normal gag reflex and was just reacting to you thrusting your tongue so far back in my throat.

Face Licker: I think you were trying to be sensual (or maybe just lazy), by kissing and licking my face. This was just messy and distracting.

The Boring One: You avoided tongue altogether and prefered quick, stiff kisses. Although sweet pecks here and there are nice, enough is enough!

The Unprepared One: Use toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, and chap stick on a daily basis. This is not optional.

Ear Sticker: Your wet, juicy tongue in the ear was so loud! And it gave me the willies. A little bit of tongue goes a long way.

Over-Ambitious One: After one kiss you tried to unbutton and unzip. If you had only taken your time…

The Constant Kisser: Every half a second you were pecking here and there, here and there. Pick a spot and give it some quality attention.

The Tongue Twirler: Your acrobatic tongue was fun, but hard to keep up with. It’s like a dance, be a good leader not a wild wiggling machine.

The Face Smasher: It is a misconception that the harder you kiss and press up against someone, the better the kiss. You squished my nose and impaired my breathing. You also gave me a sore cheek bone from too much cheek on cheek action.

I’ve been broken up with in many ways and it’s been awful every time. I’m sure that’s how it is for most of us since there’s no great, easy way to do it. But there are things you can do to make it respectful and a little easier to cope with.

Show respect for the other person and yourself and break-up face to face. Don’t be fearful of doing the break-up while looking that person in the eye.

Pick a mutually comfortable spot and don’t break-up in a public place. With very few other people around, you won’t fall apart with total strangers watching. There’s nothing worse.

A long meal could be too much to endure with anger and tears overcoming the person, so keep the meeting short. Better off for every one is a quick break-up date.

Avoid the cliché and don’t say the following: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”

White lying is OK. Recognize when it’s proper to save the other person’s feelings. Now is the time to stick to the real reason the relationship is ending, not to pick her or him apart with all the little things that drive you crazy, like eating habits and movie preferences.

Don’t compare the other person to cars, food, ex’s, vacations, and so on. Avoid analogies and just say “I don’t see this going anywhere” or “I think we’d both be happier with someone else.”

Going your separate ways really is best. You can be done after you call once. Say hello and that you’re sorry, but no more. Dragging out a break-up might give the other person hope for reconciliation when there is none.

Commuting every day on mass transportation can give the mind a lot of time wander. When I lived in Boston I had a one-hour commute each way, and since I arrived and departed at exactly the same time each day, there were several men I got to see routinely. Cute men, I might add.

I called these men my “T boyfriends.” Without sounding too stalker-esque I knew their cologne, what books they were reading, and what stops they got on and off at. I never intended to speak to any of my T boyfriends (there were several), I was just greatful to have interesting commutes.

Not everyone is as shy as I am, though. I do have friends that overcame the silence among subway passengers that serves as barrier to any sort of relationship building.

One friend of mine saw a cute guy on the subway every day for weeks. Finally, she was sitting next to him and decided to pull the plug from her iPOD and offer to plug it into his. He agreed and few songs later they became friends.

Another friend–after losing her balance while hanging on to the bar–fell against one cutie who then got off at her stop and coincidentally needed directions. He also asked for a date.

So it can pay to try and make a subway boyfriends the real thing. Too bad I never had the courage.

An anonymous visitor recently left this comment on my post Bad Compliments a Man Can Give a Woman:

I am looking for some advice regarding complimenting women. There is a woman that works at a grocery store. Everytime that I go in there we are always making eye contact with each other. I have only talked to her once but I want to get her number. I am a good looking guy and have confidence, but I don’t want to come across the wrong way. I want to show her that I am genuine and sincere.

What I am asking is, if I told her that I have seen many places and many faces but none as beautiful as you. And that I can tell by looking at you that there is more than meets the eyes.

Would that come across as weird to most women? I know that all women are different, and each and every situation is different, but I am just looking for some general advice.

Thanks

**********************

Dear Anonymous:

First of congratulations on wanting to compliment a woman you are interested in. That is the first step to impressing her. However, you’re trying too hard. She might think your “seen many faces and places” line is a bit too contrived. Chances are she’s noticed you too so why not try to incorporate something about the grocery store into your pick-up line.

For instance, you could tell her she has nice peaches and hand her two peaches.

OK, maybe that’s not the best idea, but it would be funny.

Instead you could just be totally honest. Walk right up to her and say, “I shop here regularly and have been trying to build up the courage to talk to you for awhile. My name is Anonymous and I’d like to take you to dinner/coffee/movie/drink (whatever you like to do) and get to know you better. Here is my phone number. I hope you call.”

The key here is not to pressure her at that moment. She might just say no because she’s taken so off guard. And, if she doesn’t call right away that doesn’t mean she won’t further down the road. When you are in the grocery store say hi and smile, whether she calls or not.

Good luck Anonymous. I’m sure you will do great.

I’ve had many bad first kisses in my time. For that matter, I’ve had plenty of bad second, third, and fourth kisses too. One of the worst kisses involved an injury.

Like many first kisses, it was precluded by lots of drinks at a club. The overhead lights were dim and the black lights and disco balls were in full affect. With both of these two factors in action it was near impossible to tell a cute guy from the next, but in my drunk state, I was confident the man with me dancing was gorgeous.

A few more trips to the bar for beers and I started liking this guy more and more. When we snuggled in the back booth to make out I was delighted (it must have been the beers), but when my tongue braised the bottom of his teeth my delight faded. I couldn’t help but notice the sharp edges of two of his teeth. Seconds later I felt one of those sharp edges pierce the tip of my tongue.In pain, I flinched and pulled away feeling the taste buds on my tongue vibrate with the music. I tried to recover, but it just couldn’t be done. Moments later the lights came on and revealed the man in his full glory. Turns out this man was more gorgeous than I thought.

The pain magically subsided, and I went back in for another kiss, but not before he smiled and I noticed those teeth. Those pointy, sharp, and about as yellow as I’ve ever seen teeth.

I’m no tooth model and I recognize I sound superficial, but the beautiful brown locks and glistening blue eyes could not make up for the oral hygiene.

Here’s a dating tip for those that need it: caps and bleach could get you a second make-out session. Try Ivory White teeth whitener. Note: if you sign up for Ivory White, the product will automatically be shipped to you and your credit card automatically charged. Don’t blame me, just thank me for your second make out session.