Dating Tales

Last year I had a boyfriend, well I’m not sure if he was my boyfriend since we only made it to that weird six-week mark when it feels too soon to talk about what you are, yet you still see each other three or four times a week. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that Bob–we’ll just call him that–rarely went to sleep with me.

Because it was so early in the relationship I didn’t feel I could give him the third-degree about not falling asleep with me. I was confused, though, and so I would just ask casually: “Couldn’t you sleep last night?” or “Would you rather sleep alone tonight?” He would respond with, “Nope, slept just fine” or “No, I’d really like you to stay.”

Finally, one night at 12:30 when the other side of the bed was still empty I got up to see exactly what kept him up so late. I found Bob sitting at the kitchen table with five huge piles of tic tacs and something like 40 little tic tac canisters before him. He said, “Hey. Can’t you sleep?”

I was speechless.

I sat down at the table and watched him for awhile. Ever so delicately he took one spearmint tic tac from a pile and placed it in one of the containers. He then took a little flavorful nugget from the orange pile, then from the lime, then from the wintergreen and then finally from the cinnamon pile. I watched him do this for about 10 minutes at which point he had filled close to three of the canisters with the tic tac assortment.

I asked, “Do you do this with all kinds of candy?”

“Nope, just tic tacs.”

Sitting quiet another minute I said, “Yah, I can’t sleep so I think I’ll go home.”

The weirdest part wasn’t that Bob filled tic tac canisters one at a time, but that he didn’t offer an explanation for his behavior.

Neither one of us called again after that night. Bob was a good guy, but I can’t be with someone who likes tic tacs THAT much. I can’t compete. I’m not minty.