Dating Tales

Sometimes men are clueless, other times they’re just jerks, and yet even other times they think what they’re saying is nice. All this talk about the great compliments of our lives, I couldn’t help but think about the great insults.

You’re hot like your sister. Is she single?

I like your hair, especially the color at the roots.

You look just like I remember. Except, you seem shorter.

I was in LA last summer and this man walked up to me on the street and said: “You are an excellent candidate for our total makeover show. Would you like to try out?”

Your shoes are weird.

I like your big ass.

My boyfriend patted my stomach and said, “cute belly.”

Crazy outfit.

We shouldn’t have eaten that pie. We’re fat.

I recently took a writing class and the first assignment was to write a love letter to my lover or a former luva. At the time I was single and couldn’t retreive any loving feelings, so I decided to play the role of a crazy person. I think I came pretty close.

Dear Jack,

I know you think I’m a stalker and at this point I can’t do much more than convince you otherwise with this letter my last ditch effort.  Unless, of course, I receive another sign from the universe like last time, then I may try to contact you again. I realize you probably won’t read this, but I have to at least try. I can’t get close to you like I want to (the cops made sure of that) and all of my other letters ended up back in my mailbox.

Again, I know you think I’m crazy because of some of my actions, but you must know that my friends and family (the people that know me best) do not feel that way. If you were to ask any one of them they would tell you I’m the sanest one of the bunch. Everyone comes to me for advice. I’m telling you I should have been a therapist. But that’s not the point.

The point is that you’ve proven yourself to be a nice and caring guy. You always said “hi” to me in the halls and you always kept the restraints loose enough so it didn’t hurt. Aside from having trust issues, you really are perfect for me. And I’m perfect for you too. The universe says so. How else can you explain the cloud formation that said JACK AND JILL n’ FOREVER. You saw the photo taped to my door, how could you deny it? And then, of course, there is the nursery rhyme. If that’s not a prophecy I don’t know what is.

I guess you want an apology from me for hitting you on the head with the pail, telling everyone at the hospital about our feelings for each other and for calling your fiance, so I will you give you one if that is what it takes for us to work this out. I’m sorry for crossing boundaries. When you’re ready to work on “us” you can find me back at The Ward. I returned last week.

Love, Jill

My friend Brittney is new to New York City and eager to meet all kinds of new people (a/k/a men). After a few weeks of surfing Match.com, she found who she calls, The Scientist. He is actually a Ph.D. student at NYU.

Still unfamiliar with the city, she managed to find the coffee shop near Times Square that The Scientist suggested for their first date, which was surprisingly quaint and comfortable. Brittney didn’t need to wait for The Scientist because he was there when she arrived. To her surprise when he stood up to kiss her cheek, he was the shortest man she’d ever seen. He’s shorter than her, which is difficult considering she is barely five feet tall.

Turned out that when they were both sitting down the height wasn’t even really an issue, but being bored to tears was an issue. The Scientist talked about himself for at least an hour. He mostly talked about his research, which focused around the patterns of sexual reproduction between fruit flies and its surprising similarity to the human reproduction process. After Brittney tuned in and tuned out several times she finally had to ask: So you’ve been watching fruit flies have sex for the last three years?

The Scientist hesitantly responded with a positive, but in a rather negative tone. And that pretty much ended the date.

Now one would think it was clear that there was no love connection between the two. But to Brittney’s surprise the Match.com emails from The Scientist continued. In fact, they became very direct and romantic. After not responding for several days Brittney finally wrote that she really was only looking for friends and since the two of them didn’t have anything in common, thanks, but no thanks.

The Scientist responded with a vile e-mail about how he had never mentioned a relationship and had only implied sex. He said that if Brittney wasn’t able to give that up, then he wished her good luck in New York, because she’d never survive.

She knew it was pointless to reply, but it was too easy. She wrote back thanking The Scientist for the advice, but reminded him that fruit fly sex experts made poor human sex experts.

FELLAS! Get your online dating profile written by a professional.

I’ve done some research to discover what makes a good compliment. In other words, I asked my friends to tell me about the nicest thing anyone has said to them. Please add to this list by commenting. I’d love to hear from ya.

1. The most complimented I’ve ever been is on my butt. One of my former co-workers recently MySpaced me to say, “J Lo’s got nothin’ on you.”

2. You smell great.

3. How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days is my favorite movie too!

4. I had been on a couple dates with this guy that I really liked. On our third date I agreed to drive and when he saw my car he said, “nice wheels.” I’m not sure why, but it made me feel like such a cool chick.

5. You know, you’re gorgeous.

6. Wow, that looks good on you.

7. As long as you’re there, I don’t care where we go.

8. On a first date we were playing the “what if” game. I asked, “If you could change one thing about your life what would it be?” He responded, “I wish I would’ve met you sooner.”

9. You make me a better person.

10. I know this great place… It’s in your arms. Can I go there soon?

BONUS

11. You have a lot of class.

12. You’re the hottest girl in the room.

13. I have a crush on this guy in my building. We ran into each other at the mailbox and he said, “Did you get your haircut?” I actually had gotten my haircut. It must be love.

14. You are the smartest girl I’ve ever dated.

15. You are the perfect kisser.

16. After being on vacation and not going to the gym for weeks my jeans were feeling tight. Silently feeling guilty while eating creme brulee, my boyfriend looked at me and said, “You are looking really good. I don’t think I’ve seen you any skinnier.”

17. My mom is going to love you.

18. You’re different than other girls.

19. I was playing softball with friends when this guy walked by and said, “Hey, you throw like a guy.” I turned around pretending to be offended. He got the message and said, “I mean, you throw good.”

20. I can tell you anything.

21. You’re my best friend.

OK, so it’s more than 10…I couldn’t stop. Check out my really funny list of BAD compliments…aka 10 great ways to insult a woman.

For more compliments visit the DatingTales compliments soundboard.

I have tried online dating on three separate occasions. The first time I was terrified and the second time I was frustrated. The third time was better because I finally read-up on the topic, asked my friends what they were writing online, and experimented with my profile until I got the attention I wanted.

Do yourself a favor and don’t make the same mistakes I made.

Mistake Number One: Ignore Your Competition
I went weeks without ever looking at other women’s profiles. It didn’t occur to me that I should one-up my competition. It’s important to compare yourself to others and make your profile stand out. Do a search of women in your zip code have a picture of themselves watching a baseball game? If so, maybe you should have a picture of yourself playing the game.

Mistake Number Two: Never Change Your Photo
I used the same picture the first two times I was on Match.com. Before I signed up the third time I browsed men between the ages of 26 and 35 in my zip code and ran across a guy I’d seen on my first-go-round. I looked at his profile and quickly changed my mind about writing him because his profile was exactly the same. I thought this meant he wasn’t into impressing anyone. This motivated me to pick a new photo for myself and change my profile a bit every couple of weeks.

Mistake Number Three: Upload the Wrong Photo
It’s safe to assume that we’ve all been in relationships before, or have a friend of the opposite sex that likes to hug or hang on us. Avoid photos with other people or photos where it’s obvious someone has been cut out.

I think that pictures with puppies and babies are cheap. Nice try.

And then, of course, are the photos of you in your bathing suit. It’s great that you’re hot and want to tell someone, but keep it classy.

Mistake Number Four: Write a Novel
The written portions of your profile should never be too long. Our attention spans just won’t withstand the 580 words describing your ideal date. Save the novel for the second, third and fourth e-mails because that will certainly let him or her know you’re interested.

Mistake Number Five: Put on a Broken Record
It is difficult to make yourself sound unique on paper. But doing so might be the most important aspect of an online profile. Really focus on your distinctive attributes like the fact that sometimes your eyes are green and sometimes they are hazel, depending on what you wear. Avoid cliche phrases like, “My friends say that I’m… or I’m laid back.”

Mistake Number Six: Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve
No one cares that you just broke up, or that you’ve been hurt before. Let me take that back, everyone looking at your profile cares, but not in a good way. Don’t say things like, “I just got out of a relationship and am just looking to have fun” or “I’ve had bad luck finding a good man, and now I’m here to find Mr. Right.” It’s ok that you’re heart-broken; just keep it to yourself or you risk scaring a lot of great suitors away.

Mistake Number Seven: Forget to Get a Second Opinion
Let’s be honest, it’s hard to write about yourself. The best thing you can do is ask a good friend to help you write your profile, or at least review it for you. If that’s not an option, there are many profile writing services around to help you out for a small fee.

Online dating is not hard, and shouldn’t be scary. If you have the right attitude and keep your expectation realistic as you should do in all types of dating the outcome will only be positive.