Dating Tales

The first time I tried online dating a 70-year-old man offered to move me to Florida.

I logged on to my e-mail account 24 hours after setting up my personal profile on Match.com. There were six new messages in my inbox one from mom, another from a company selling penis enlargers, and four other e-mails from Match. I moved my cursor over the first message from Match and my stomach did a flip.

Two months earlier I moved to Boston and was feeling the loneliness that inevitably creeps in while living in an east coast city. At this point I was spending most of my evenings alone with a glass of wine enjoying my free mobile-to-mobile minutes with my friend Kim, a San Francisco internet-dating legend.

As I prepared to open the first e-mail I repeated the mantra Kim taught me: I’m not looking for my husband; I’m looking for a distraction. Then I read the message.

Joe –  All Expenses Paid
Joe was a seventy-year-old man from Miami who says I seem nice. “You look like someone I would like to get to know,” Joe writes. “Oh, and by the way you should check out my profile too. I think you might find it interesting.”

I logged on to Match and checked Joe’s profile. Now don’t think for a second that I considered dating a man that did not live in a surrounding zip code or that I considered dating a man three times my age, but I needed a laugh.

It turns out Joe is interested in relocating a young lady to the Miami area. “A lifetime of all expenses paid as long as its fun, fun, fun.”

I navigated back to my Hotmail account and braced myself for e-mail number two.

Mark — No Escorts Please
Mark is a 32-year-old salesman who apparently doesn’t own a shirt. I don’t know this for sure, but his e-mail says “hi” and one of the attached pictures shows him leaning against a Honda Civic with no smile and a greased up chest. In the second picture he is leaning against a chest of drawers with his own chest bare for the world to see.

As a standard rule I don’t date men who pose for the camera shirtless, but again, for laughs, I looked up Mark’s profile. Here is what I found:

Handsome bachelor who earns $100K a year is seeking loyal girlfriend. Do not contact me if you are an escort.

Escort?

After a quick second of nervous laughter I read e-mail number three.

Craig — Who is Your Daddy?
“As your Daddy I will use the power vested in my role to mold and shape you; assisting you to grow in strength, character, confidence and being. I will continue to help you develop your abilities as a submissive little girl. You will be rewarded when you are good and punished when you are bad.”

I don’t know anything more about Craig than his e-mails are scary. I didn’t bother to look at the rest.

I called Kim to accuse her of false advertising. “What did you talk me in to? Is this the dating pool? Or worse, is this what I attract?”

Kim talked me down from my ledge of desperation and reassured me that for every three bad matches there is bound to be one good match. I took her advice and opened up the fourth e-mail.

Bob — Sensitive Boob Seeks Sensitive Breast
Bob is a 29-year-old student from Boston looking for a wife just like him. “I’m looking for a woman with, let’s say, less than average self-esteem.  I’m the type of person with a poor self-image and for good reason. I’m not that attractive. I’m not outgoing. I’m uneducated. I’m not driven toward anything. I have no interesting hobbies, and well, I meet no real requirements that most women are looking for. That’s not to say I have no good qualities. I’m honest, caring and loyal. I consider myself a nice person. I’m just looking for someone I can feel comfortable with. Together we can make each other feel all right.”

At this point, Bob was my most promising date.

After my 30-day-membership ended, I agreed with Kim that my online dating experience wasn’t so bad. I talked to several interesting men, I discovered three new restaurants, and found one guy to play to keep around for six months.